Reviled Hearts
by Lamia of the Dark
Summary: Drabble collection for the HPFC 335 Pairing Bonanza Challenge. Will contain crack, fluff, and maybe a bit of actual romance. Some of them are family/friendship based.
1. Pretty Kitty

**DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Who's a pretty kitty? Yes, you are. Yes, you are!"

Mrs. Norris meowed pitifully as Percy Weasley buried his face in her fur and nuzzled her mercilessly.

She tried to scratch him but he had used a keep-claws-retracted curse on her when he'd caught her.

"Pretty... wait, what am I doing?"

Percy abruptly dropped the cat as he came back to his senses. Mrs. Norris promptly scurried off to fetch her master so that she could avenge the indignity that had been visited upon her by the horrible child.

"Oh, I am going to _kill_ Fred and George for using me as a test subject for their experimental love potions!"

~ end ~

**A/N:** Stay tuned for 334 more odd pairings!


	2. Flash Fire Savior

~ Reviled Hearts ~

They don't talk about the cave. They don't ever talk about the cave. They never, never, never talk about the cave.

What happened in the cave is too terrible to even think about... so, most of the time, Amy doesn't think about it. When she can't stop herself from thinking about it (for example, in the middle of a nightmare - _and oh, yes, there are nightmares, so many nightmares_), something came to save her... something red and shiny, in a flash of fire...

"Don't cry," she says to him in the dream.

But he does.

The one who does not cry, either dreaming or awake, is her.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Yes, I am aware of the inconsistent tense. I thought a stream-of-conscious style suited the character/situation.

Stay tuned for 333 more odd pairings!


	3. Whomping

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Hagrid was known for his love of animals. Cute animals, not so cute animals, dangerous animals, monster "animals"...

He did not usually have much regard for plants. However, there _was_ one plant that captured his interest.

The half-giant giggled like a tickled child as he tossed another pumpkin at the Whomping Willow and watched the whipping branches whomp it to smithereens. Pumpkin juice splattered his face and he would later have to spend a great deal of time picking pumpkin guts and seeds out of his beard, but somehow he could not bring himself to care about that at this moment.

"You know," he whispered to the willow in a conspiratorial tone, "I don't like a lot of trees, but you - you're my favorite tree."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 332 more odd pairings!


	4. Cold Comfort

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"My brain is melting," Draco grumbled, rubbing his temples in a vain attempt to alleviate his headache.

"Been taking Occlumency lessons from Bellatrix?" Rodolphus asked him, smirking.

"Yeah..."

"Aww, poor baby." He sounded entirely sympathetic and not at all sarcastic.

Not quite unexpectedly, Draco collapsed into his uncle's arms and wept. The invasion of his mind had left him emotionally overwrought and a sympathetic presence was enough to send him over the edge.

Rodolphus awkwardly hugged his nephew, unsure how to comfort the boy.

"I don't want to learn Occlumency anymore," Draco sobbed.

Rodolphus chuckled. "I know it doesn't feel good, but you'll learn faster if she's rough on you."

"Did she teach you it?"

"Yes," Rodolphus replied, ignoring the urge to correct Draco's grammar. "Although," he conceded, "It probably wasn't as bad for me as it was for you because she already knew all of my secrets."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 331 more odd pairings!


	5. Fan Mail

~ Reviled Hearts ~

My dearest Pyotr Vulchanov,

You truly are one of the best Beaters that any Quidditch team has ever seen, and watching you in the World Cup match was simply amazing. Simply amazing! (Even though your team lost the match... and really, what was that ridiculous Krum thinking, catching the Snitch when your team was down by so many points? Terrible! Should have been thrown off the team, in my humble opinion.)

Anyway, I have been following your career for years now, and let me just say that watching you play in person was absolutely magical - _Absolutely. Magical_. I only hope that I have the chance to do so again in the future.

With much love from your biggest fan,  
>Dolores Jane Umbridge<p>

~ end ~

**A/N: **Good lord, that was difficult to write. Trying to get into Umbridge's mind... ick.

Stay tuned for 330 more odd pairings!


	6. Dear Dolores

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Dear Dolores,

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I have been very busy and I am not so good at the English language. (In fact, I am having a translator write this down for me, so hopefully he does not bungle the translation too badly. Ha ha.)

I enjoyed your letters very much. (Especially since most of the fan mail my team receives is addressed either to the entire team or directly to Krum. Seekers get all the glory...)

I miss hearing from you, but I have heard that life with a newborn can be very difficult, especially on a single parent. I can't imagine how much more difficult a baby centaur must be to deal with than a normal wizard baby, even with the magic.

Please write when you can.

Sincerely,  
>Pyotr Vulchanov<p>

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 329 more odd pairings!


	7. Where Do You Go When You're Lonely?

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Harry Potter wanted nothing to do with the house at 12 Grimmauld Place after Sirius's death. So, after the war, when the Order of the Phoenix no longer needed a secret headquarters, looking after the place somehow fell into Andromeda's realm of responsibility.

That wasn't to say that the House Elf which belonged to the property was not doing his job. In fact, he did his job very well. The house was always spotless, and he could have a meal ready for any visitors within minutes of their arrival.

However, there was one duty the House Elf was unable to perform, and that was to provide adequate companionship for the house's _other_ remaining resident.

Buckbeak the Hippogriff had been very lonely since Sirius died and Harry stopped visiting.

Andromeda had also been lonely since losing her husband, so lonely...

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 328 more odd pairings!


	8. Mission: Interrupted

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Hmm, whose cat is this?" Flora Carrow wondered as the unfamiliar orange creature slunk past her. "Here kitty! Here, kitty kitty..." she called, reaching out toward it.

The cat's ears perked and he stopped in his tracks and turned his head to look at the young witch.

"Kitty..." she called again, a bit more hesitantly this time.

There was something odd about this cat, something unsettling about its gaze...

"Meow," went Crookshanks.

Flora jumped, started. For such a fluffy thing, he had a surprisingly deep voice.

"Come here, cute kitty!"

She lunged for him and scooped him up into her arms.

Crookshanks reluctantly allowed himself to be cuddled. The girl might be a Slytherin, but she was up to nothing more evil than picking up cats that did not belong to her.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 327 more odd pairings!


	9. Yo Mama So Giant

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Your mum is so fat, her Patronus is a cake!"

Peeves cackled and waited for Hagrid to respond.

"Cake isn't an animal."

That wasn't the response Peeves was hoping for. He decided to try again.

"Your mum is fat, when she sits around the castle, she really sits _around_ the castle."

Hagrid just stared at the Poltergeist.

Peeves was desperate now.

"Your mum is so fat, even Xenophilius Lovegood can't believe it!"

Hagrid sighed. "Okay, yes, my mother is large. Can you leave me alone now? I'm trying to get things done, here..."

~ end ~

**A/N: **I got Peeves/Fridwulfa as one of my pairings, and I couldn't think of a way to actually get the two of them into the same airspace, so we have this.

Stay tuned for 326 more odd pairings!


	10. Definitely Blackmail

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Hey," Ron said quietly, poking Hermione in the shoulder.

"What?" Hermione hissed, knocking his hand away.

"Did you notice anything really weird when we were in the Lestranges' vault?"

"If you have something you want to talk about, Ronald, please just say it instead of trying to get me to guess what you mean..."

"Okay, fine..." Ron replied, a slight blush creeping into his cheeks as he went on, "I saw a stack of _Playwitch_ magazines in there, but they were all the same issue. Most of them still had the protective covering on, even."

"That does sound odd... I wonder why they would store those there. Did you happen to see and make a note of which issue it was, by any chance?"

"Yeah... December 1976."

It took her a few days, but Hermione managed to track down a copy of the issue in question.

"Oh, you found it!" Ron cried out in glee when he saw what she was carrying. "So, what's the big deal with that issue?"

Wordlessly, Hermione flipped the magazine open to a certain page and handed it over. Ron took it from her and glanced down at the page, where a very naked 17-year-old Sirius Black grinned and winked at up at him from the magazine's centerfold.

Ron quickly slammed the magazine shut.

"So, you think she kept these to use as blackmail?"

"Well, that... or she was getting off on looking at them..."

~ end ~

**A/N:** Ron and Hermione are just the messengers, pairing is Bella/Sirius.

Stay tuned for 325 more odd pairings!


	11. Scribbles

~ Reviled Hearts ~

One of Lockhart's second-year students approached the professor's desk as the other students hurried to leave.

"Um, professor..." the girl began hesitantly. "I, uh... I uh..."

"Yes? Is there something I can help you with, Miss Bulstrode?" Gilderoy asked, flashing her a ridiculously charming smile.

"I, uh... I, uh... that is, when I turned in my homework, I kind of accidentally, uh, also, um, there was a page of notes for one of, uh, my other classes, kind of, um, stuck to the back of it, I think..." She trailed off and looked at him anxiously.

"Of course, of course," he replied offhandedly, sifting through the pile of homework papers on his desk. "We'll get you sorted out straight away. Ah, here it is."

There was indeed another piece of parchment stuck to the back of Millicent's homework, which Gilderoy peeled off without too much trouble (although there was one spot in the corner where dried ink held them together). He handed the second sheet back to her without so much as glancing at it, for which she was grateful.

After the student had fled the classroom, Gilderoy allowed his curiosity to get the better of him and turned her homework paper over. There on the back, was an impression of the writing from the other paper, backwards. Even backwards, he could recognize his own name, and he held up the back of the paper in front of a mirror in order to read it.

The notes looked like history of magic, an extremely boring subject... which was probably why the girl had amused herself in that class by scrawling_ Mrs. Millicent Lockhart_ over and over in the margins.

~ end ~

**A/N:** Stay tuned for 324 more odd pairings!


	12. Very Romance

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Wow. Such a romantic story.

So Lisa Turpin and Elphias Doge. Wow.

Such Valentine's Day.

Very red colored. Many hearts.

Much Cupid. Wow. So arrow.

Wow.

Much romance.

Such old man, so young witch.

Wow.

Very beautiful wedding. Many guests, such fun, very happy, much confetti. Wow.

Pretty bridesmaids. Much wine. Such party. Wow. Very celebration.

Wow.

Such wedding night. Wow, so awkward. Such pain.

Very sorry husband. Much forgiving wife.

Wow.

So honeymoon. Such lingerie. Much babymaking. Wow. Such stamina.

Very exhausted.

Wow.

So heart attack. Such panic. Wow.

Very sad. Wow. Many tears.

Such widow. Wow. Very suicide.

Wow.

So love.

~ end ~

**A/N: **And now you know just how far I will go for a pun. (The whole thing is written in "super shibe" AKA _doge meme_ style.)

Stay tuned for 323 more odd pairings!


	13. Blank Stare

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Crabbe, you've been staring at the same page in that Quidditch magazine forever," Draco Malfoy observed irritably. "Even with your deplorable reading skills, you _must_ have finished that page by now."

Vincent only grunted in reply. There was no real point in trying to explain things to Malfoy, especially when he would make fun of your real explanation more than whatever false one he'd thought up for himself.

"And besides," Draco continued to gripe, "it's not like _studying_ is going to help your playing any. Not any more good that in does on your schoolwork, I should think..."

Again, Vincent only replied with a grunt. If Malfoy was going to treat him like a trained monkey, then he figured it would do no harm to respond like one.

And there was no way that he would admit that the reason he'd just spent over an hour staring at the same page of a magazine was because there was an article about the Holyhead Harpies in it and he had a massive crush on Gwenog Jones and was watching her picture.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 322 more odd pairings!


	14. Tiny Men

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Tom Riddle Senior (not that he knew there was a Junior impending) was so relieved to finally be away from the crazy witch and whatever magic she'd used to enslave him, that even though the rest of his life seemed to have gone to pieces in his absence (or perhaps _because_ of exactly that), he decided that now would be an excellent time for him to take an extended vacation.

Hiking in the mountains sounded good. Communing with nature, clearing his troubled mind... Yes, that sounded like just the thing.

Unfortunately for him, the mountain range he chose just so happened to house a colony of giants, and the giantess Fridwulfa had a fetish for tiny men.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 321 more odd pairings!


	15. My Kingdom For An Owl

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Lisa Turpin got up early on Saturday morning and hurried to the owlery. She had to get there before all the school owls were taken, if she wanted to get her letter mailed today. As she climbed the spiral staircase that led to the tower where the owls were kept, she grumbled under her breath about her parents being stingy for not getting her an owl of her own.

She thought she'd gotten up early enough, but the room was crowded with students who all had things to mail, and it looked like the only ones left were other students' personal owls.

Lisa sighed and stuffed the letter into her robes. She would just have to try again tomorrow, she supposed...

As she turned to leave, a soft hoot drew her attention. Lisa turned her head toward the sound and found a pure white owl staring at her.

_Ooh, pretty owl_.

Hedwig hooted again.

_Hey, isn't this Harry Potter's owl?_

She looked around, and saw the Golden Trio trying to get the Weasley family owl to take off. The poor creature kept flopping over on the windowsill instead...

"Hey, Potter!" she shouted on impulse. Harry's head jerked up and when he saw who was calling him, he gave a weak smile and waved. She had no idea whether he knew who she was or not, since they were in the same year but different houses. _Oh, well. It's worth a shot_, she decided, and called out, "Can I borrow your owl?"

"Huh?" Harry responded distractedly, still trying to get the floppy brown owl to take off. "Oh, uh... sure, go ahead."

"Pretty owl," Lisa murmured to Hedwig as she attached the letter to the owl's leg.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 320 more odd pairings!


	16. It Hungers For His Flesh

~ Reviled Hearts ~

From deep beneath the stone, it hears the screams of a tasty creature. Magical creatures taste much better than the rats and other vermin that make their way into its lair.

It is so hungry. It never gets enough to eat now that its master is gone and it is trapped in the chamber. Every month it hears the echo of the distant screams, and it hungers for the creature that makes them.

And then, for a long time, there are no screams. It wonders what happened to the were-beast that it so desires to devour.

Later, much later, when it is free once more, it searches for the tasty creature... but he is not here.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 319 more odd pairings!


	17. Love Hopping

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Thank you, Augusta, the tea was lovely," Griselda Marchbanks said to her friend. "I would love to stay longer, but I really must be on my way."

"Yes, yes, it was lovely having you here," Augusta Longbottom replied. "Same time next week?"

Griselda nodded her assent and turned to leave.

"Neville," Augusta hissed, prodding her grandson with a bony elbow. "Where are your manners, boy? Walk our guest to the door!"

Neville, who had been surreptitiously looking for his lost toad, startled to attention and hurried to do the old witch's bidding with a sullen mutter of, "Yes, Gran."

Griselda was halfway home when she heard a loud croak from her handbag. Frowning, she opened it and peered inside.

Trevor the toad gave another happy croak and hopped from the inside of the handbag onto the top of Griselda's head.

"Oh, _dear_," she said aloud, as she plucked the creature from her hair. "You belong to Augusta's grandson don't you?"

Trevor remained silent.

Griselda sighed. "Well, I really don't have time to take you all the way back to your home today. I'm certain Augusta would insist I stay for dinner if I did, and I simply do not have _time_. So much to be done... Say, how would you like to be carried by an owl?"

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 318 more odd pairings!


	18. Stray

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank, the sometimes-substitute-teacher for the subject of Care of Magical Creatures, was a woman who loved animals, and not merely magical ones. Stray cats often gathered around her doorstep, knowing she would feed them and let them inside to warm themselves by the fire, but not try to "keep" them. They were wild cats, thank you very much, they just liked a convenient meal and the luxury of relaxing inside a house once in a while...

The stray dog was a surprise, however.

This was a civilized area, and while wandering cats were not uncommon, wild dogs were almost unheard of around here.

The large, black, scruffy dog sat among the crowd of milling cats, and calmly offered up his right front paw to shake.

She stepped back from the doorway and the cats streamed inside, as usual, but the dog stayed where he was, waiting with his head cocked to one side and his paw still waving about in the air. She wondered if he had once been someone's pet.

"Well, come in," Wilhelmina said, waving him on impatiently.

The cats eventually trailed back outside, as they always did. The dog curled up on the rug in front of the fire and went to sleep. He was still there the next morning.

"I think I'll call you Snuffles. Do you want to go for a walk, Snuffles?"

_Woof_.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 317 more odd pairings!


	19. Caught

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Hey," Sirius hissed to his three friends. "Come here. Look what I caught!"

"What is it?" Peter asked, bouncing on his toes, barely able to contain his excitement.

Sirius grinned and held out the wriggling creature.

Remus inquired uncertainly, "Is that...?"

"It's Malfoy's house elf!" Sirius answered, his eyes shining with evil glee.

"Excellent," James said. "What should we do with it?"

"Let it go right now," Remus said, grabbing Sirius's arm. "We are not tormenting a house elf!"

"Aw, calm down, Moony," James wheedled. "We're not going to _torment_ it. We're just going to play with it a little!"

Dobby had never been so grateful for the magic that bound him to his master's will as he was in the moment when he was called away as the Marauders squabbled amongst themselves over the unfortunate elf's fate.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 316 more odd pairings!


	20. Mouse Butt

**A/N: This one is also for the HPFC Fifty Photos Challenge.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"I've been wondering something, dear," Elphinstone Urquart said to his wife one evening over dinner.

"And what would that be?" she inquired, with an air of mild interest.

"How do field mice taste?" he asked.

"And why would you think that I would know a thing like that?" she snapped, her formerly ambivalent mood taking a decidedly negative turn.

"Well, you _are_ a cat, dear... at least, part of the time..."

"I have never eaten a mouse!" Her indignant declaration was accompanied by a symphony of rattling dishes as she slammed her fist on the table to punctuate her anger.

That night, Elphinstone found himself sleeping alone. He had no idea why Minerva had gotten so bent out of shape over that one question. Yes, it had been a stupid thing to ask, but he had honestly been curious...

When he woke up the next morning, he opened his eyes to the sight of a dead mouse on the pillow beside his head.

"There you go. I spent half the night stalking the thing for you, since you wanted to know how they taste. It was quite difficult to catch, you know. I may transform into a cat, but that doesn't mean the form comes with the animal's instincts."

Elphinstone, finding himself in the position of a husband on the wrong side of an argument, resigned himself to having to either apologize or eat the mouse. He wasn't sure which option would be worse...

~ end ~

**A/N:** Bah. Elphinstone is a character who is technically canon but was only mentioned by JKR outside of the actual books... Also his name was spelled wrong in the pairings list, so I had a hell of a time finding his info in the HP wiki.

Stay tuned for 315 more odd pairings!


	21. Inauspicious

**This chapter is also for the HPFC How Many Ways challenge.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

I don't usually come down to the Great Hall for meals. Sitting at the staff table and attempting to make conversation with my "peers" is not something I enjoy. The other teachers don't take me seriously. (Well, other than Dumbledore, of course. One positive presence amidst a sea of hostility is not enough reason to leave my tower, though.)

Today, however, is different. I feel a new energy, bright and radiant, one that draws me in...

There is a new face at the staff table - a substitute teacher for the Care of Magical Creatures classes. Unlike the rest of my colleagues, she seems pleased to speak with me.

"Will you read my future?" she asks, in all seriousness.

I happily comply, always eager to practice my art. When her fortune becomes clear, however, I can't bring myself to speak it aloud.

I was hoping for a happy outcome, for once, but all omens point to death.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 314 more odd pairings!


	22. Memento

~ Reviled Hearts ~

It is an odd thing to be comforted by his brother's final sight.

The shot is oddly angled and slightly out of focus, but taking pictures was second nature to Colin - as he fell, his fingers instinctively went to the camera hanging around his neck, and found the button. The shutter clicked, capturing the scene before him.

Dennis stares at the photograph. Even if it is not perfectly focused or centered within its borders, the picture is amazing in its own way. The figures contained within are blurry, constantly in motion as they cycle through the same few spells over and over again. Bellatrix Lestrange is caught in profile, lips moving as she shouts curses at her three opponents - who are smaller and more toward the background of the photo - and despite everything, when he is looking at his brother's final sight, he can't help thinking she is beautiful.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 313 more odd pairings!


	23. Charmed

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Andromeda Tonks never intended to cheat on her husband. Ted was a wonderful man and she loved him dearly. He was a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to their daughter. He was smart and kind... and, yes, she had to admit that he was rather plain and not particularly proficient at romantic gestures.

Andromeda never wanted to cheat on her husband, but when she read a series of popular books she fell a little bit in love with the main character - who also happened to be a real person.

Andromeda never planned to cheat on her husband, but when she met Gilderoy Lockhart in person and the handsome hero flashed her his most charming smile and offered her a kiss, she found herself unable to resist.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 312 more odd pairings!


	24. Ollivander Likes Wands

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Oh _no_," gasped fourteen-year-old Peter Pettigrew as he stared at his broken wand.

"Sorry about your luck," Sirius said, clapping him on the back.

"Now I have to buy a new one," Peter moaned.

"Stop being so dramatic about it," James said. "So you have to buy a new wand. You just have to go to Ollivander's-"

"I don't want to go there!" Peter cried. "Ollivander is so _creepy_."

"The old man is a bit odd," Sirius conceded. "I wouldn't go so far as to call him creepy, though. He just really likes wands."

"Yeah, I'd say he _really likes wands_, alright," Peter muttered.

"Wormtail, are you implying what I think you're implying?" James asked in mock-horror.

"I'm not _implying_ anything, I'm saying it," Peter replied.

"I really don't think-" Remus started to say, but the tail end of his sentence was lost under Peter's continued tirade.

"Ollivander is creepy as hell, and I'm not going to his shop and being groped by him again."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 311 more odd pairings!


	25. Corn

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Look, Ginny, look at the unicorn! Do you want the unicorn?"

Two-year-old Ginny Weasley looked at the plush toy unicorn that her father was holding out to her.

"No," said the toddler.

Arthur was confused by the child's response. Didn't all little girls love unicorns? Perhaps she had misunderstood the question. She was only two years old, after all.

Arthur pressed the toy unicorn's fluffy face against Ginny's cheek so she could feel how soft it was.

"Daddy, no! No 'corn, NO!" the child shouted, pushing the unicorn away.

_Huh, I guess she doesn't like unicorns after all_...

Which was certainly a shame, since he had paid an entire galleon for the thing.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Not a romantic pairing, since it's Arthur & Ginny, and I don't write parent/child incest. Stay tuned for 310 more odd pairings!


	26. By Halves

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Sometimes Padma gets tired of being a twin, tired of being _one of the Patil twins,_ tired of being the trailing half of _Parvati and_-

Ravenclaw Padma is quiet and bookish, and tired of being compared to her social-butterfly Gryffindor sister. Parvati cares more about gossip than grades, cares more about fashion than her own future. (The real, practical thing about the future, anyway - not the bogus "predictions" from Divination class.)

Padma is tired of being constantly compared to her sister, or worse, being mistaken for her in the halls despite the fact that Padma wears Ravenclaw colors and _everyone knows_ Parvati is a Gryffindor. But they see only face and not the person, and some days she finds herself being called by her sister's name more often than her own.

The one place that Padma feels like an individual, not a part of a set, not the _one-half of the twins,_ is Arithmancy class. Parvati is too bubble-brained to be interested in such a subject, and Padma is glad for that - that Professor Vector doesn't know her sister, will never compare her to Parvati.

~ end ~

**A/N: **This was meant to be a Padma/Vector pairing, but I ended up going on and on about Padma's half-a-twin complex for longer than I meant to, and the "pairing" is awkwardly tacked-on at the end... _sigh_.

Stay tuned for 309 more odd pairings!


	27. Big Bad Wolf Lost In The Ladies' Room

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Ooh, what's this?" said a creepy ghost voice.

Greyback shuddered. If there was one thing that creeped him right the fuck out, it was ghosts.

"Oooooh, it's a handsome wolfy, in myyyyyyy bathroom!" the ghost voice crooned.

But where was it? He didn't see the ghost anywhere... How did he get so lost during the battle that he ended up in the ladies' room, anyway?

"Stay away from me!" Greyback snarled.

He felt a chill all up and down his back as the ghost embraced him from behind.

"The Big Bad Wolf doesn't liiiiiiiike me?" she said, right in his ear.

He would be teased until the end of his days by the rest of his pack about the way he ran screaming from the castle that night.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 308 more odd pairings!


	28. Inquisition

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Terence Higgs shifted uncomfortably under the unsettling stare of his Head of House.

"You're taking NEWT-level Divination?" Snape asked.

"Yes, sir," Terence replied. He didn't know what else to say. It was true that he'd signed up for the class and intended to take it.

"Would you care to explain _why_?"

"With all due respect, sir, I would prefer not to answer that question," Terence replied, fidgeting even more. He hoped Snape would not keep pushing for an answer, because he could hardly explain that the reason he was taking a useless subject at a high level was because he felt sorry for the professor teaching it.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 307 more odd pairings!


	29. Faith and Folly

~ Reviled Hearts ~

At the Black Family Christmas party, Druella corners Orion in an empty room and kisses him.

"You're drunk," he says as he gently pushes her away.

"I am entirely sober," Druella replies, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"You're _married_," he reminds her.

She shrugs in reply. Her marriage vows mean little to her, and even less to her husband.

"_I'm_ married," Orion continues to protest.

"To your own _cousin_," Druella says derisively.

She sees the flash of rage cross Orion's face before he manages to school his features back into a neutral expression, and - too late - she realizes her mistake.

"We're only second cousins, and I'll thank you not to speak about my wife that way," he says, unable to keep a note of barely-suppressed anger from bleeding into his voice.

Druella turns to leave, saying, "Let's just forget this ever happened, alright?"

She wouldn't have chanced making a move on him if she'd known that his marriage was a love match rather than an unfortunate arrangement.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 306 more odd pairings!


	30. And Now It Is Silver And Silent

~ Reviled Hearts ~

He hated them. He hated the cold. He hated them. He hated the way they slowly drained his happiness away so that his soul was spiced with pain. That was their favorite food - a broken, screaming soul. He hated them. He hated them.

And yet.

When the cold stole over him, the fingers of his wand-hand went slack and the thin stick of wood slipped from his grasp. He collapsed to the ground. This was wrong. He was supposed to fight them.

And yet, how could he hate the creatures that could show him something that he so longed to see?

~ end ~

**A/N: **Yep, one of my pairings was Harry/Dementors.

Stay tuned for 305 more odd pairings!


	31. Angelic Daydream

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Vernon Dursley was at the mall with his wife and their grandchildren. Dudley's children (who were now teenagers) had insisted on going into the store by themselves to buy their hippity-hop CDs or whatever it was that passed for music these days... So, like the nice, patient grandfather that he pretended so hard to be, Vernon was waiting outside the store while his grandchildren spent ungodly amounts of _his_ money on junk they didn't need.

And it was as he was standing around impatiently waiting, that he happened to catch a glimpse of the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. A teenage girl with a long sheet of silvery-blonde hair passed so close to him that he could smell her perfume. His eyes followed her, his gaze transfixed by the subtle sway of her hips as she walked.

His fantasy of the things he'd like to do to that girl was interrupted as the claws of his nagging harpy wife latched onto his arm and she hissed at him, "What are you looking at?"

He didn't answer verbally but gave a sort of jerky half nod in the direction of his angelic daydream.

Petunia, assuming his stare had been one of shocked disapproval for the boy walking beside the girl, commented, "Ew, blue hair. What a freak."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 304 more odd pairings!


	32. Forsaken Future

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Oh, Basilisk, my love," Fawkes sang out sadly in phoenix-language as he came to the rescue of twelve-year-old Harry Potter. "I wish things did not have to be this way between us, my scaly darling." He proceeded to tear out the basilisk's eyes with his talons. "What a cruel twist of fate that our masters were destined to be enemies and that the only antidote to your venom is my tears." He now perched on the injured young Potter, allowing his healing tears to fall on the young wizard's poisoned wound. "I cry these tears for our forsaken future, my dear..."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 303 more odd pairings!


	33. In Good Conscience

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't help you," Ollivander said to the young man who was attempting to purchase a wand.

"But-" young Argus Filch started to protest.

"I'm sorry, but no," Ollivander cut him off.

"But I have the money!" Filch dug into his pockets and fished out several handfuls of Sickles and Knuts - an amount which the wandmaker could tell at a glance would, in fact, be sufficient to cover the price of a wand.

"No, no, no!" Ollivander cried, becoming more agitated at the boy's stubborn insistence. "It would be very irresponsible of me to do such a thing! As a respectable business owner, I could not in good conscience sell a wand to a Squib!"

~ end ~

**A/N: **Not romance, since Ollivander/Filch is too squicky a pairing even for me. Stay tuned for 302 more odd pairings!


	34. Desperate Measures

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Harry and Ron were starting to get desperate in their search for dates to the Yule Ball. They had already gone far past last-resort territory but every Gryffindor girl in their year (and also most of the third years) seemed to have a date for the ball already, as did all of the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws they knew well enough to try asking.

"Maybe we should just... go stag?" Ron put forth hesitantly.

"I'm a Triwizard champion! I can't go without a date. It's required of me," Harry whined.

"Well... maybe there's a Slytherin or two who wouldn't mind dating Harry Potter," Ron said, unable to keep an edge of bitterness from creeping into his tone as he spoke."But I doubt any of them would be willing to go with a blood-traitor Weasley."

"Hey, I have an idea," Harry said slowly. "But you might not like it."

"What?"

"What if... we go to the ball... with _each other?"_

~ end ~

**A/N: **This chapter is for the Pairing God challenge and was not one of my 335 scrambled pairings, but I decided to toss it in here anyway.

Stay tuned for at least 302 more odd pairings!


	35. Spare the Spare

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Kill the spare," Voldemort ordered... but as Wormtail raised his wand to carry out his master's wish, another voice cried out.

"Wait, wait! _Spare_ the spare."

"Who said that?" the Dark Lord demanded, furious that someone dared to countermand his order.

"Me," the voice hissed, and a filthy old hobo stepped out from between the gravestones. "I wondered who the hell was making so much racket out in the graveyard at this time of night, figured it was those damn teenage muggles playing at being vampires again. I'm almost disappointed that it weren't. I'm in the mood for a bit of sport. Ah, well... I like the looks of that boy, though, handsome fellow, and I'll be taking him off your hands if you don't mind..." And he cast a stunner at Cedric, who did not even bother to attempt to dodge the spell, figuring that he had a better chance at escaping from this strange old man than he did a whole flock of Death Eaters.

"Ugh, go away Uncle Morfin. You're so annoying!" Voldemort responded in Parseltongue so that none of his followers could understand what he was saying. "I'm trying to have my dramatic resurrection ceremony here and you're _ruining_ it!"

"Drama llama," Morfin replied, chuckling. "I'll just take the boy and be on my way, then." He grabbed Cedric by the hair and disapparated with him, dragging him back to his lair to do Merlin only knew what...

~ end ~

**A/N: **I apologize for whiny Voldemort.

Stay tuned for at least 301 more odd pairings!


	36. You Would

~ Reviled Hearts ~

After the latest nasty Daily Prophet article about Harry Potter, the DA members were complaining to each other about what a horrible person Rita Skeeter was.

"I don't know, I kind of like her," Zacharias Smith piped up.

Ron gave him a disgusted look and said, "You would."

~ end ~

**A/N:** Yes, I know this one is ridiculously short even for a drabble but my brain refused to spit out more words on the subject. Also the challengemaker has left Fanfiction for the foreseeable future, so... yay, cheating!

Stay tuned for at least 300 more odd pairings.


	37. Death's Head

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Ooh, did you hear Blaise got detention with Professor Carrow?" Pansy Parkinson says to the small group of Slytherin girls gathered in the common room.

"How in the fuck did he manage that?" Millicent Bulstrode exclaims in disbelief at the same time as Daphne Greengrass asks, "Which one?"

"The brother," Pansy answers.

The other girls all shudder at the thought. Although the sister is actually the worse of the two Carrow siblings, detention with either of them is hellish and to be avoided at all costs. Of course, they usually favor the Slytherins, as they view the young snakes as junior Death Eaters who will of course join the cause as soon as they are finished with their schooling.

"But _how_ did he even end up getting detention in the first place?" Millicent repeats. For, while Blaise is not as _vocally_ blood-elitist as some of his peers, he is known to be a close friend of Draco Malfoy who presumably shares the same values.

Pansy has no answer for that, because she does not know how Blaise ended up with detention or for what (real or imagined) infraction it was earned.

"Maybe," pipes up Daphne's little sister, and all the other girls turn to look at her. "Maybe he doesn't really have detention at all."

"What do you mean by that?" Pansy asks, quirking an eyebrow at the younger girl.

"Well..." Astoria says slowly. "Perhaps our dear professor has other reasons for wanting to get a loyal Slytherin boy who just came of age into a room alone with him, late at night..."

The other girls all gasp at the supposition and Millicent lets out an "Ewww."

"Even if that's true, why would Blaise go along with that?" Pansy argues "I mean, come on, Carrow is so old and... gross."

"Hey!" snaps one of the other girls, apparently offended. "That's my uncle you're talking about!"

"What, you would fuck him?" Astoria asks.

"Ew, no," the Carrow girl replies too quickly, and at Astoria's triumphant grin she backpedals, "but only because he's my uncle and not because I think he's ugly or anything!"

~ end ~

**A/N: **Pairing for this one was Amycus/Blaise in case you couldn't tell...

Stay tuned for at least 299 more odd pairings.


	38. Girls

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Cho Chang gazed down at the poor kid who looked so hopeful and so proud of himself for finally having the courage to ask her to the Yule Ball. She hated having to break his heart, especially since he was just a kid, and one of the Triwizard champions besides. She'd felt bad turning down Cedric too, but this was much worse.

"I'm sorry, Harry," she said, "but I've already agreed to go to the ball with someone else."

"Oh," Harry replied sadly. Then he perked up a bit. "So, you would have gone with if I'd asked earlier...?"

But Cho was shaking her head before he'd even got the sentence halfway out.

"No, you see... the person I'm going to the ball with is Katie Bell."

Harry's mouth opened a closed a few times with no sound coming out before he managed to croak, "But you're both girls!"

"Yes, precisely."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for at least 298 more odd pairings.


	39. Moon Reflections

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Lyall Lupin stands in front of the Mirror of Erised, staring so long that his eyes begin to dry out before he remembers to blink.

The image reflected in the glass is a moonlit street in the village where he used to live. His family is there, healthy, unbroken, smiling and safe. He would give anything to have this image be his reality, to go back in time and not say the words that led to the monster's revenge. (And what better revenge than proving to him that his words had been true after all, but forcing him to spend the rest of his life denying his own beliefs?)

~ end ~

**A/N: **Yep, the Mirror was in the character list, so it got paired with people too...

Stay tuned for at least 297 more odd pairings.


	40. Slow News Day

~ Reviled Hearts ~

DAILY PROPHET  
>March 3, 2004<p>

**War Heroine Uses Her Fame To Snag a Pro Athlete Lover Once More**  
>by: Rita Skeeter<p>

Hermione Granger, the brains of "the Golden Trio", after being unceremoniously dumped by her wartime fling, has apparently now set her sights on another famous Quidditch player.

One can only imagine the jealousy Granger's old ex-boytoy Viktor Krum must feel towards his former teammate, who is Granger's current beau - Lev Zograf. My sources confirm that Krum has neither played Quidditch nor dated anyone since the disastrous events of the 1994 Tri-Wizard Tournament.

_turn to page 12 for full story_

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for at least 296 more odd pairings.


	41. Bathroom Emergency

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Now that Dumbledore had disappeared, there was nothing more for the Aurors to do except leave the school and report back to the Ministry... but first, John Dawlish needed to run to the bathroom.

_Getting older is really no fun_, the aging wizard reflected as he searched desperately for a bathroom. The wriggling in his guts reinforced this thought. _There has to be one around here somewhere!_

It had been a long time since his school years and he was having a hard time remembering where anything was. He rushed through a confusion of corridors and moving staircases until he was well and truly lost somewhere deep in the castle. And there, finally he found what he'd been looking for, and although it was a ladies' room rather than a men's room, the ruckus in his colon had reached the point of sit-yourself-or-shit-yourself and he simply had no more time to search for the properly assigned facility.

He shed robes and de-pantsed himself, hanging his clothes over the stall door in preparation for a vigorous bout of what his younger colleagues termed _firehose asshole_.

No sooner had his ultimate blowout begun than Dawlish heard a ghostly whisper of "boo".

Either fortunately or unfortunately (he wasn't sure quite which he would call it), his mind was too occupied with the involuntary actions of his digestive system at the moment to properly process what normally would have been quite startling.

The ghost - who apparently did not like to be ignored - continued to wail, and when Dawlish gave no outward reaction, a spectral figure floated right into the stall with him.

"Poo," the ghost girl intoned, snickering. "Pooooooooooooo."

Dawlish did not have the breath to waste on telling the dead girl to leave him alone, so he could only hope that she would get bored before his bowels were fully evacuated.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for at least 295 more odd pairings.


	42. Hot Dump

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Teddy, having recently become an adult, was now dating Hermione, who was recently divorced.

They didn't really know each other very well, as was proven the day that Teddy walked into Hermione's apartment with a stack of CDs in his hand and asked, "Hey, are you into scat?"

Hermione, who had done a lot of reading on various subjects including a great number of sexual fetishes but excluding lesser-known musical genres, replied far too enthusiastically, "Yes! Take a hot dump on my chest!"

Teddy just stared at her for a few long moments, wondering if he'd heard correctly, before stammering out, "Uh... I meant, you know, the music..."

~ end ~

**A/N: **That's right, I couldn't make the pairing actually work and resorted to a pun instead.

Stay tuned for at least 294 more odd pairings.


	43. Stargazing

~ Reviled Hearts ~

After her classes were over for the night, Professor Sinistra did not return directly to her quarters. In fact, she left the Astronomy Tower entirely and went out to the castle grounds to continue her stargazing out by the lake.

She did not flinch as something landed on her forehead with a wet splat. It was just her dear friend, the giant squid. She didn't know if the squid properly had a name, since he was generally referred to as "the giant squid", but she affectionately thought of him as Periscope.

"Lovely night, isn't it, Periscope?" she said.

The giant squid responded by stroking his tentacle over her hair.

Yes, it was a lovely night, indeed.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for at least 293 more odd pairings.


	44. Press My Heart Between Your Pages

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Filch wasn't often granted access to the Slytherin dorms, but apparently this year the students had left their living quarters so trashed upon leaving for the summer that the poor house elves were too flustered to even think of where to begin cleaning. And so it fell to Filch to sift through the rubbish and banish the worst of the grime. The house elves would be called in to give the place a good polish once Filch was done with the heavy cleaning.

While cleaning out the girls' dormitories, the caretaker happened to stumble across what looked like a rather old diary. Inside, it contained lovely handwritten poems, and the entire book was filled with them, from cover to cover. He took the journal back to his office with him, where he discovered that it was not just the owner's handwriting that was beautiful, but her ideas and the way she phrased them were quite beautiful as well.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Pairing for this one was Filch/Lysandra Black. According to the HP wiki, Lysandra died over 40 years before Filch was born, so... yeah.

Stay tuned for at least 292 more odd pairings.


	45. Crashed

~ Reviled Hearts ~

It was Bill Weasley's wedding night. It was supposed to be the happiest night of his life. It was supposed to be a glorious night spent making sweet love to his beautiful bride in order to consummate their marriage.

Of course, his idiot brother's idiot friend had shot that plan all to hell by speaking the Dark Lord's name aloud during the wedding reception. The reception had been raided by Death Eaters and now Bill was spending his wedding night at the end of Voldemort's wand, screaming his lungs out for an entirely different reason than the one he had previously anticipated.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Yeah, there was no way I was going the romantic route with Bill/Voldemort.

Stay tuned for at least 291 more odd pairings.


	46. Unlike

**WARNINGS: All kinds of implications are being implied here.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Rolanda Hooch was far from being a goat, but she did have lovely gray hair that was coarse and slightly curly. And she certainly ended up making some very goat-like noises. She didn't have horns, either... but it wasn't too difficult to convince her to put on a Viking helmet sometimes.

Aberforth Dumbledore was not very similar at all to a broom. He was not overly thin, nor was he made entirely of wood. He had little interest in Quidditch and wasn't too keen on the idea of flying in general. But he did enjoy being ridden.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for at least 290 more odd pairings.


End file.
